Knee Deep Blog

Radiation: 20 of 33 Completed

Radiation has both been going amazingly fast with 20 sessions completed as of yesterday and agonizingly repetitive.  I continue to feel like I'm living in a world of deja vue each time I park in the eleven car radiation designated spaces and walk into the hospital doors.

Monday through Friday I have the same schedule.  Interestingly my good be on time behavior lasted for the first couple of weeks and on week three I've been a bit more lackadaisical and often late.  I keep thinking that yes, on a good day it takes 13 minutes to get to the parking lot once I'm in my car and therefore I don't need to give more then 20 minutes of commute time.  But, Seattle city traffic is often congested, not to mention all of the construction happening on Madison where Swedish Hospital is located. So my drive time is taking 13 to 35 minutes one way.

I've was complaining, actually, feeling rushed and anxious that I was now late AGAIN and recognizing that I am no longer the model breast cancer patient in treatment.  Oh, I've fallen off the wagon.  Then yesterday as I was scanning the cast of characters in the radiation waiting room I began a conversation with one that I've seen a few times and has the most gracious sense of being.

Breast Cancer Baldness and Emotional Connection

I just posted a new banner for this blog that includes some pictures of my big bald from two angles. Had you asked if I would do this back when my hair was first falling out I would have said, nope, don't think so.  I feel more comfortable hiding my chemo bald head under a hat or bandanna.

But, the but happened, I have gradually become more comfortable with my baldness and some times even feel and act bodacious (or would that be acting normal?) with my baldness both in private and in public.

Radiation: 30 More To Go

Not including today, I have 30 more post chemo radiation appointments to go and several inches of hair to grow (hopefully most of them are on my head and other other places forget to grow) before I am considered "cured" of breast cancer.  Of course 3.5 months ago post lumpectomy the surgeon considered me "cured" too.  I'm not going to say who's right because it's all a frame of mind.

Some may say I'm not officially cured until I complete 5 years of hormone therapy (Tamoxifen from what I hear) without  recurrence.  My heart tells me I was done and "cured" post surgery and the rest is the just in case one of those little microscopic buggers (also know as a cancerous cell) escaped and decided to linger undetected some whereand create havoc when Ieast expect it.

Getting going on radiation took a while because I am special, just in case you didn't know that, I am special.  I am classified as stage 1 - some letters that I can't quite remember at this moment and don't seem too important but put me on the line of being stage 2, but all of my treatments are stage two protocol - chemo and full breast / partial chest radiation. 

Chemo Side Effects: The Last Chemo and The Flu

If you're just catching up with me you'll want to start here to learn about my discovery of lumpiness behaving badly which is also known as breast cancer to the every day person, as well as why I am writing about my journey of breast cancer and for the time being a breast cancer blog.

My prior post is here. 

A little over a week ago I sent an email to my basecamp Project Boob Management Group letting them know that hurray it was my last chemo and I was eagerly waiting to write a follow up all about how easy it went and the great dinner I had that night with some wonderful girlfriends that I initially connected with in a mastermind group a couple years ago. 

But, yes there is a big but, the next week had other plans for me, plans to which I wasn't officially invited, rather sucked into like a big vortex.  On the eighth day I came out of this mostly horizontal and running for the bathroom vortex grateful that it's over and life goes on.

My final round of chemo was truthfully no different then the rest.  I brought the fourth girlfriend to my series of catch up with the girlfriends while your body is being pumped with drugs session at Swedish Hospital.  I've even developed a liking for this three plus hour block where it's all about me and the rest of the world doesn't exist for those precious hours. There's no work, no house stuff, no take care of a child, no be a wife or mother, no grocery shopping...it's forced sit there and be present to what ever you want.  Sure you can get up and mosey over to the "nutrition room" or snack room to the rest of the world or take a bathroom break or go any where you want to wheel your IV around, but I prefer to relax into the chemo seat and enjoy the company of a friend, peruse through a magazine or just be in silence.

Chemo Side Effects: Being Really Thankful Even When You're Bald and Sometimes Cranky

If you're just catching up with me you'll want to start here to learn about my discovery of lumpiness behaving badly which is also known as breast cancer to the every day person, as well as why I am writing about my journey of breast cancer and for the time being a breast cancer blog.

My prior post is here.  My next post is here.

One of my chemo side effects is gratitude which shows up in a variety of ways. 

I've noticed that I really want to reach out and connect with friends, and then there is the physical reality that some times kicks in.  The physical reality that I'm tired and even feeling cranky but not totally emotionally fulfilled for the day.  My introvert side loves being able to have some Michele time, and my bigger extrovert side enjoys and demands deep and meaningful connection with the outside world.

So, how does one balance wanting to reach out when your physical cancer journey has created some limitations?  Limitations of both physical and emotional energy. Limitations of time because you spend a significant portion of time going and coming from a variety of doctor visits.  Meanwhile you still have your life that includes a husband, a child, family, friends and meaningful work. 

Before cancer this "life" seemed to take 24/7, now it is shared with your cancer journey and isn't necessarily wanting to take the back seat.

Chemo, Hair Loss & Finding Self Love: 36 Hands Of Love

If you're just catching up with me you'll want to start here to learn about my discovery of lumpiness behaving badly which is also known as breast cancer to the every day person, as well as why I am writing about my journey of breast cancer and for the time being a breast cancer blog.

My prior post is here.  My next post is here.

I decided to move this part of the post over to a new post so I could highlight the great photos I just received.

Last week I went to Eli's school to read Chem Cat by Cathy Nilon to his class of 18.  I figured it was time as he whipped off my hats when I picked him up from Kid's Club.  Thankfully there were only two kids.  One laughed and the other just stood there in shock.  I've learned that if kids have an understanding of what is going on, they think the whole cancer thing is quite interesting and baldness is very cool, but if they don't there is mixed reaction.

Pretty Bald and Becoming Bodacious: A Chemo Hair Loss Side Effect

If you're just catching up with me you'll want to start here to learn about my discovery of lumpiness behaving badly which is also known as breast cancer to the every day person, as well as why I am writing about my journey of breast cancer and for the time being a breast cancer blog.

My prior post is here.   My next post is here.

Can it really be three weeks, and another round of chemo tomorrow morning (Thursday, 4/10 for the locals) since I last posted?  Yep, wow, time does fly when you're obsessed and focused on things like hair loss, spending time as a single parent as Tim travels for work, a five day visit from a great friend with her son, and balancing extra mom time during Eli's spring break from school with business, home and kicking breast cancer in the butt.

                                                  These three pictures were taken on the 20th.  Notice that the front and side views although a bit different from my usual self simply look like I have thin short hair, but the top view of the growing part gives you an indication of what it felt like for me knowing the inevitable was near - being with, oh shit.

On the 20th I was highly focused (to say the least) with my soon to be departed hair, and at that time not fully ready to shave and be without my beautiful and shifting locks.  By the 24th I could hardly wait to be without these locks as enough had fallen out that by the 22nd I really needed to wear a hat or some type of head covering unless I wanted to look like a bald man with a comb over in back.  Truthfully I couldn't figure out how one could do a comb over on the back of your head due to gravity and all.  In front it simply looked like a bad hair cut with an extra wide part that could use some Rogaine.

Chemo Side Effects: My Hair Falls Out Easily and Effortlessly

If you're just catching up with me you'll want to start here to learn about my discovery of lumpiness behaving badly which is also known as breast cancer to the every day person, as well as why I am writing about my journey of breast cancer and for the time being a breast cancer blog.

My prior post is here.  My next post is here.

The words easily and effortlessly haven't been tied to my hair or hairstyle until now as the most noticeable side effect of chemo continues to transform my appearance - less and less and soon to be no hair.   Earlier this week I kept wondering, should I get a trim?  Nope, no need, everyone I know and see thinks I've gotten my hair cut shorter, but really it's just because my scarves (neck ones) and the turtleneck sweaters I wore this week rubbed off my hair around my neck leaving a few wisps. The cute wispy hairs by my face have fallen / been rubbed out...I think I can blame my phone's earpiece for that.  So much for my initial cute chemo haircut.

What really cracks me up is when someone I know actually compliments my cute short hair and says I look great.  It reminds me to let go.  Of course my bumbling self often can't help but say, I didn't get my hair cut, it's falling out and got rubbed off all around my neck and ears look how thin it is.  That's why I can't wear a wig.  I just know that every time some says I look great, I'll pull it off and say, it's a wig, and  look I'm bald isn't that just crazy?  So much for manners.

Beat Breast Cancer By Being Full of Hope and Maybe Getting a Haircut

If you're just catching up with me you'll want to start here to learn about my discovery of lumpiness behaving badly which is also known as breast cancer to the every day person, as well as why I am writing about my journey of breast cancer and for the time being a breast cancer blog.

My prior post is here.  My next post is here.

Corinne, my sister, called as Tim and I were preparing dinner.  As usual Corinne never begins a conversation with pleasantries, rather jumps knee deep in to the thought she wants to convey,  "Michele, Sandy is dead" is all I heard.

I immediately thought of our family friend back east, but was soon corrected, no, Sandy Reidel who is / was just 42.  "What happened?" I asked. 

"I don't want to tell you."  and after some urging, "She died of breast cancer.  She was just diagnosed last month."

My First Chemo Treatment - A Bit Uneventful Until Today

If you're just catching up with me you'll want to start here to learn about my discovery of lumpiness behaving badly which is also known as breast cancer to the every day person, as well as why I am writing about my journey of breast cancer and for the time being a breast cancer blog.

My prior post is here.   My next post is here.

The week prior to my first chemotherapy appointment was filled with lots of shifts and other people illness.  Mom, who moved back to New York State last Wednesday, was back at our house nursing a sinus infection that had moved into her lungs - that's what the doctors said.  My sister had intended on having mom at her house with her three kids, but found other care for all but the dog that joined us for five days. Eli had a double ear infection and kept staying home which lead to Tim and I continually trying to figure out how to take care of him, us, the dog, mom and oh yeah our work, and did I mention I was starting chemo that week?

Once I posted my last post, this really didn't leave me much time to even think about my first chemo treatment, which I'll say was a good thing.  No chemo thoughts, no chemo anxiety.  Amazing how that can work.  I was simply focused on keeping my life that I some times now have outside of breast cancer moving forward.