After my last post on "do I have to" I was hoping to completely get out of any additional medical stuff that seemed to be evolving from the ultrasounds. But, my gynecologist made me, well actually she politely asked me, to come in for a consultation to review the reports. She began her consultation with..."because of your history..."
Now prior to breast cancer when I heard, because of your history it meant some thing good, like a promotion, more money, some type of acknowledgment. Now a days - "beacuse of your history" often begins what now feels like a sentance to do some thing I don't want to do like blood draws, scans, ultrasounds or some other test to look at "suspicous" body parts and happenings.
Who would have known I could become so suspicious and have so many possibilities that I'm clearly not interested in having.
Seems my uterus is 2 times it's normal size due to the crazy lining build up which is most likely caused from the Tamoxifin - she said that she is concerned and BECAUSE OF MY (FAMILY and PERSONAL) HISTORY feels it's pertinent to both do a D&C as well as send all of the findings to pathology.
I did what any woman in my life situation would do. I cried.
I know that she thought I was crying about having to have the D&C, but really I was crying because I was immediately filled with fear, overwhelm and anxiety - would this be the beginning of another journey just like the one that happened after they biopsied my breast and found cancer?
Damn it, I am just getting ready to go on vacation and enjoy the Oregon coast and cancer regardless "even if it's in the early stages" is not on my short or very long list of things to do this summer. So I also cried because last summer all I got to do was go to the doctor, be bald and feel tired - and do my best to be optimistic and look on the bright side. But now that I've been through cancer treatment my vision is jaded because I know the drill.I absolutely think it's a good reason to cry.
So after negotiating that it would affect my hiking and carrying heavy objects like my 45 lb son and losing - it's scheduled for this week, a week before our trip. She simply felt that I shouldn't wait even a few more weeks.
Timing after our trip will be perfect for the "check up" and then follow up ultrasound because they also want to keep their eyes on a possibly suspicous couple of cysts. Well they are not that suspicious right now, but suspicious enough that follow up monitoring has been ordered.
So - I'm noticing I have an edge - and edge of "damn it"
And I'm having hope, that it's nothing to even think about - simply a hiccup.
And I'm hoping that they figure out why...and if the tamoxifn is the culprit. Of course one of my girlfriend's simply suggested I just get it all taken out and be done with it. I can laugh at this moment, and think of a conversation with my dad who had many pieces cut out over his 10 year cancer journey and we'd joke that it was a great way for him to lose a few pounds - but really how did he get around being totally hollow inside?
Amazingly Seattle is having one of it's driest sunniest summers to date and I want to take full advantage - so here's to no cancerous, or suspicious cells, or suspicous cysts behaving badly.
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