Breast Cancer Baldness and Emotional Connection

I just posted a new banner for this blog that includes some pictures of my big bald from two angles. Had you asked if I would do this back when my hair was first falling out I would have said, nope, don't think so.  I feel more comfortable hiding my chemo bald head under a hat or bandanna.

But, the but happened, I have gradually become more comfortable with my baldness and some times even feel and act bodacious (or would that be acting normal?) with my baldness both in private and in public.

I'll admit that I"m not so comfortable that I never wear some thing on my head. The reality is that I cover it up more then I don't, but I've increasingly gone in public with a naked head and at home generally don't have some thing on unless I'm chilled.  Almost naked means that I do have some stubborn hairs that just didn't leave, but since they turned white I was hoping they would fall out and come back black, but they haven't listened to my black pleas and leave me "mostly bald."

The first couple months I used the cold as an excuse to wear some thing on my head to cover my no hair look.  And most of the time it was cold enough that I had on two layers.  I used a bandanna covered by a scarf or hat to provide me with winter and spring warmth.  Then we would have a warm day here or there and I found I was hot and willing to peel a layer, but not two.

Then more and more I started hanging out with my bald head at home.  I noticed that when neighbors stopped in which they often do in our neighborhood or I ran outside to get Eli or was in the yard and some one walked by I would forget I was naked on top and start conversing.  It wouldn't be until I saw their eyes talking to my forehead that I remembered I was bald and wanted to run in and get some thing to cover myself.  It took sheer willpower to talk and be "normal" aka a woman with hair on her head that is having a good hair day and not run into the house and grab a bandanna.

The more I stood in my discomfort, the easier it became to stay present in the conversation and not be multi-tasking in the conversation.  Multi-tasking being, one part of me was in the conversation and the other part was having a conversation with myself about feeling discomfort and needing to get covered up.

Part of what I've appreciated about the no hair during cancer treatment thing is both how I feel about it and how I notice people noticing me.

For instance after one of Eli's t-ball games I was with some of our good friends at Panera getting bagels and coffee when a woman approached me and said, "I sported that hair cut too.  Let me see it was exactly 7 years ago.  You look really good in that blue hat and I love your sweater (and I know she meant it - the hat). How far are you in treatment?  Wow, you look great."

At that same shop another woman approached me another Saturday morning and held my arm stating, how are you feeling?  You look like you feel good?   In fact if I just looked at your face I would have never guessed.  I am a 12 year breast cancer survivor.

Maybe I should just keep going there to get my daily quota of hang in there beautiful and bodacious breast cancer surviving babette!  Because that IS who I AM - beautiful and bodacious, living my life with as much meaning as I can muster (with a daily sliding scale of course because I am also human).

I've also on many, many occasions caught someone staring at me.  The first few times I was embarrassed and uncomfortable then I decided I would stare back and smile when I caught some one staring. Guess what, most people do look back at least briefly and when they saw me smiling they would often smile back.  Others didn't look back or would see me smile and turn away.  I decided they were more uncomfortable then I was.

I also noticed that when I engaged people with my smile or a comment they at times would come over and talk.  Pretty much all of them knew my head covering was cancer and chemo related.  Generally speaking they would say some thing like...breast cancer?  How are you? and actually wait for a response.  To me this means there is plenty of breast cancer awareness going on which is a good thing.

This past weekend we visited Tim's mom in Oregon.  Unfortunately she has just been moved into assisted living and is going through lots of transformations.  We took her to mass at the Benedictine Monastery in Mt Angel where we proceeded to be invited for breakfast as well as tour the ICON making class that was in process. 

Two of the sisters came up to me to share their stories of breast cancer and offer prayer.  I was touched, thanked them and told them that I love prayers. 

Oh, the most amazing thing was that the sister in the kitchen who made some kick butt cinnamon rolls was 92 years old and wearing a habit (she decided she didn't want to change how she dresses).  I haven't seen a full length habit since I was a kid.  I found out she joined the sisters when she was 14, heck most of us are still trying to figure it out at 40.  Other then baking she makes rosaries that they sell in their Shalom Shop. 

One of my favorite bald connections was at the park with Eli.  I was pushing him and two little girls on the merry go round when Eli announced that I was bald and show'em mom.  They wanted to see so I pulled off my hat.  They also wanted to touch to I obliged. Probably most adults want to touch too but don't have the innocent audacity of a child to ask and giggle with delight.  Then one of the girls promptly said, oh, I just got my bangs cut, look at how short they are and the other chiming in said, yeah, I got my hair trimmed too, and your hat is pretty.  With those statements they proved that emotional intelligence does exist in 5 year olds doing their best to fit in with hair comments to rival my baldness.  Then they jumped off and ran over to the swings, and that was that, end of story.

In the past week and a half some fuzz has started to come in and I now have a 5 o'clock hairline shadow.  My hair  although there are some long ones, as I've described it to others looks like a hormonal 15 year old trying to grow a beard.

And yes, that also means that I have that same sporadic growth every where, and I mean every where - arm pits, pubic hair, legs, and even my nose hair.  Unfortunately due to the location of my radiation I am not allowed to shave my left armpit.  So I do have a choice I could shave the right and leave the left with that certain European hairy underarm look or just go for it and leave them both...oh what is a gal to do, I am so undecided!

I haven't picked up a razor yet and figure that my legs are first, I think I'll go for squeaking out one or two more weekends before I get back to the longer shower routine with my razor.  Hmm, you would have thought that my body would have timed the breast cancer and  chemo treatments  or as my husband refers to them as my $80,000 hair removal system better so I could have at least gone one summer with shorts and without shaving, but no that is not the case.

Anyway, enjoy the new bald is beautiful banner and if you're around Seattle and see a women with some black "peach" fuzz on her head with sun glasses, that may be me, another bodacious cancer patient or just your every day person deciding to go for a new look.

Oh, Sherri Jo who has commented has a cancer blog too the melon wars - and you may want to go on over an take a look.  I just commented today which inspired this post.  Sherri Jo also did the genetic BRAC test and her's came back positive.  So say a prayer and wish her love on her extended breast cancer journey because it does make a difference when we know you care.

Oh, I've completed 14 of 33 radiation treatments...hurray....I'm off to the hospital right now!

Warm Regards,

Michele Corey 

 

Comments

[Kia Ren]

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[dermatologist pomona]

We can't blame them if they are not comfortable hiding chemo treatment with a bald head under a hat or bandanna,i must say that get well soon.

sphin

[Shannon]

Your story amazes me. Cancer survivors are such amazing individuals...
You are in my prayers!