My First Chemo Treatment - A Bit Uneventful Until Today

If you're just catching up with me you'll want to start here to learn about my discovery of lumpiness behaving badly which is also known as breast cancer to the every day person, as well as why I am writing about my journey of breast cancer and for the time being a breast cancer blog.

My prior post is here.   My next post is here.

The week prior to my first chemotherapy appointment was filled with lots of shifts and other people illness.  Mom, who moved back to New York State last Wednesday, was back at our house nursing a sinus infection that had moved into her lungs - that's what the doctors said.  My sister had intended on having mom at her house with her three kids, but found other care for all but the dog that joined us for five days. Eli had a double ear infection and kept staying home which lead to Tim and I continually trying to figure out how to take care of him, us, the dog, mom and oh yeah our work, and did I mention I was starting chemo that week?

Once I posted my last post, this really didn't leave me much time to even think about my first chemo treatment, which I'll say was a good thing.  No chemo thoughts, no chemo anxiety.  Amazing how that can work.  I was simply focused on keeping my life that I some times now have outside of breast cancer moving forward.

Literally the day before chemo my girlfriend Kimm called (she used both phones and figured she would alternate until I pick up), stating "it's stalker girlfriend and I see you haven't asked for any help."  To which I blurted I'm in Ballard picking up a hypnotherapy chemo CD and I need someone to pick up Eli from school and watch him until I get home from chemo tomorrow, by the way he's just started antibiotics is a bit cranky and will be going to school (he'd been home on Tuesday and Wednesday).  She graciously offered to take him overnight, which was his first non-family sleep over.

The morning started with my final visit to the surgeon which was in a different city and hospital of course, but just 20 minutes apart.  I got flying colors, a hug from the surgeon, a referral for six visits to help increase my range of motion with physical therapy for "post lymph node biopsy" because one can never have enough doctor visits. 

I've also noticed that the swelling in my breast is finally going down (week 6 post surgery) and  I can see the "divot" in my chest becoming bigger.  My girlfriend suggested wearing a push'em together boob bra so that others won't notice when I wear some thing lower cut.  We'll just have to see, maybe I want to bear my scars, maybe I want to push'em together - I'm simply glad the damn tumors are out.

My chariot, Kristen's vehicle picked me up promptly at 11 for a nutritious early lunch at Taco Del Mar - fast food Mexican / burritos.  She also arrived with a gift bag of hard candy for the metallic taste which stayed with me for a few days, cards, and stool softener (every chemo gal needs and wants this - trust me, just be sure to keep taking them and make sure you have good ventilation - wide open sharing window, I know).  We needed to be at the hospital for my first blood draw and 12 noon and this was pretty much the option in route.  The day consisted of 3 needles - one small (to numb my arm) and two big ones (for the blood draw and for the IV and chemo treatment). 

Thankfully every one has so much experience poking all the other cancer patients that they just slide right in and out.  Kirsten of course left the room each time and I covered my arm with a towel because it grossed her out.  It made me laugh and I think actually helped me forget what was going on - toxic chemicals dripping into my body.

After the blood draw I met up with my oncologist, Henry Kaplan for the pre-visit rah rah conversation.  He served home made chocolate chip cookies - doesn't every oncologist?  He also prescribed three meds for anti-nausea, two that I'd take pro-actively and did, and one that I didn't end up needing (thank God).

Then it was the long, long did I mention long wait?  Chemo was to start at 12:30.  At 2:00 I was sill waiting in the room.  Thank God we went to Taco Del Mar and didn't rely on lunch being served as a few others told me would happen - and of course was offered at 2:30 but this girlfriend needs to eat much earlier then that hour.

Instead of becoming anxious I actually felt agitated - when the hell are we starting, because I'm already ready to go home!  I want treatment #1 to be done and have it be easy sailing.  I visited the woman at the front desk four times:

1. I'm Michele Corey and checking in
2. Did you get me on your list, Michele Corey
3. Can you give me an idea of how long it will be before I go in?
4. I'm going out on to the deck - just want you to know so I don't get missed when you call my name
5. Then the white lie....I've got to have my son picked up by 4 pm...I'm concerned I won't be done on time.  Can you give me a start time so that I can arrange his pick up?  Yeah, I couldn't help but pull this out.  Of course Kimm was picking him up, and for some reason, after stating this I went in 10 minutes later.  So either it worked or it was simply my time.

Things that amused me while getting chemo:

• I was escorted behind the "chemo doors" and the nurse gave me a guided tour.
• I would not be sitting with all the "chemo veterans" lined up in chairs facing out the window with a sheet between them - benefit they stated
• I would have my "own" and "private" room - benefit stated. 
• Really why you get your own room the first time is because they are AFRAID you will either freak out or not respond well to the drugs.  I can't imagine that any of the chemo veterans in the window lined chairs had their blood pressure and stats taken every 5 minutes once the chemo dripped or had an "emergency kit" brought in and left a few feet from their body.  But being a marketer I appreciated the "benefit" of having my own private room and TV so I could relax and be in comfort!
• Kirsten constantly leaving the room - she hates hospitals and was the perfect person!
• The significant amount of literature that was given to me including:  sexuality and chemo.  Why do they always wait until you are in the middle of some thing to educate you?  Why not before?  Any way the sexuality and chemotherapy did crack me up.  Besides being very factual both medically and with "how to please yourself" - the nurse did reinforce that your body is a toxic waste dump (my words) for the first week, so please use condoms.
• Oh, by the way, since you are a toxic waste dump - after 48 hours wash all of your bedding separately, two times in warm to hot water.  Then wash any clothing you've worn - by itself - the same way.  This freaked Tim out a bit.
• "Lunch" offered at 2:30.

What helped me stay grounded during and after my first chemotherapy appointment:

• Life being a bit crazy the week before and numerous appointments I had that simply kept me running and organized
• My work - it's an outside window and I love it.  Some how it keeps me continually grounded and I'm able to be 100% - probably because I don't have to think about breast cancer
• Having a friend come that hates hospitals- it took the focus off of me
• The responses I received to my last post when I was feeling quite a bit of anxiety around receiving chemo treatments.  What I've learned on this breast cancer journey is there is a lot of emotion and anxiety and then you look in retrospect and say, "what the shit, it's not that bad...I'm alive and have amazing people in my life.
• Letting go of CONTROL - oh did I really say that!?  I have learned on this breast cancer journey that I am a control monger.  There it's out.  And my anxiety comes from not being able to control this facet of my life.  Simply being present in chemo therapy was enough.  I didn't need to be or do any thing else other than show some curiosity with all the information that was presented.
• During treatment I didn't have any bizarre physical or emotional responses to the drugs. 
• Eli was extremely disappointed that my hair has not yet fallen out. I think that is what he thought why I went to the hospital.
• I was also really focused on feeling good post chemo.  I was pretty tired by late afternoon and went to bed early all weekend (chemo was on Thursday afternoon).  I didn't notice a "high" from the steroids that others talk about.

On the topic of chemo attitude - I told myself that I would feel good all weekend.      

I worked Friday morning and on Friday afternoon I drove Eli to my sisters  which is an hour away.  The trip was just over 3 hours with round trip traffic.  I did this so I could have most of the weekend by myself - just in case my body rebelled and I knew that Tim had a bunch of work to get done.  I felt like sleeping at her house but pushed home and went to bed early.

Saturday a friend was going hiking so I said yes.  Unfortunately she decided not to go, but I really needed some exercise as I didn't get out much right before treatment and I was told to drink 60 to 80 oz of water and sweat some if I could to get the toxins out.  Tim had already left at 7 am to hike with a friend so I went to the same trail. 

I kept imagining that I would see them at the mile or mile and a half mark turn around and have had a nice short hike, but I didn't and I kept hiking.  Mile 2, mile 2.5 mile into the snow line, at mile three the trail was pretty heavily covered in slippery snow. I continued for an other quarter mile and decided it was no longer safe - I had no poles, crampons, etc. so I turned around.  Then it hit me, the last sign said 2,600 odd feet and I still had to turn around an get down.  Ummm that would be just over six miles total- good going chemo girl.

So the trip up was searching for Tim and Patrick. The trip down, once I got off the heavy snow was blissful.  The trees were covered in soft snow powder.  I was alone - which I haven't been in weeks. I was out in nature which fills my soul. I was doing one of the things I love the most - hiking.  There was sun, there was snow, there was hail, there was misty rain - all part of my trip and I loved all of it, including the banana bread I ate which Ronda had made and dropped off.

I drank my 64 oz of water and sweated like a toxic pig.  Yes I checked that off my list of what was suppose to happen - yet my heart was filled with such peace.

I had left a note on Tim and Patrick's car after I got down.  They called just before I made it to the highway so I was able to backtrack and meet up with them at a local pub in Bend, WA for a beer and homemade soup (some good post chemo food).  Chemo - Schemo - ha! 

We had dinner with our neighbors and I headed home at 9 pm to crash.  I actually felt a bit guilty that I was having a fabulous post chemo weekend and my sister had four children (with Eli) running and yelling all weekend, but I assured myself that I'm deserved it - so I didn't call or pick him up early.

Sunday I got up early and went to an 8:30 service.  Part of the message was about how people when they most need help, often go inside and don't ask for it.  Yes, I'm sooo guilty of this, but some how my girlfriends have enough of my story that they keep calling until the resistance drops.  As I sat and listened I said  a prayer of thanks to my sister for watching Eli, and all the friends that keep calling, even when I haven't been calling back in the past couple weeks.  I also wrote a heap of thank you notes this week because I am filled with appreciation and gratitude.

Sunday was also another sunny day (which is rare in Seattle at this time of year) and I needed, I mean really needed outside therapy.  So I went to home depot and bought plants for the backyard using a couple of gift cards I had found.  I spent a few hours digging in dirt, planting, and absorbing sun and mother nature's loving hugs.  I also didn't speak to any one all day.  I noticed I just wanted and desired quiet time without thinking.  I actually think I was meditating prayers of gratitude all day. 

I also felt a bit guilty that one of my Lori girlfriend's was doing the 2 hour round trip to get Eli on Sunday, and that I didn't go visit Kathy who was house sitting in beautiful Antacortes, but I had a big conversation with myself and let go of needing to control, needing to explain myself and did what my body and soul really needed - private, self nurturing.

I was exhausted by 6 pm and deeply happy.

Eli of course had a huge meltdown Monday morning which has continued to linger because he didn't have enough family or mommy time (or is it still the ears?). So I've spent as much time as possible with him showering him with mommy time.  At dinner we always say a prayer and then ask each person their favorite thing.  For the past two nights Eli's has been, "seeing Momma today."

Today I also had my first glimpse of what life may be like as I continue chemo - and it is a bit of an oh shit there is another reality. 

Today was the first day I wasn't on any other drugs.  I had just dropped Eli off at school and was speaking with Cathy who also has breast cancer and is undergoing treatment at the same time - then dizziness hit, a hot flash, inability to stand on my own or focus.  I just told her I needed to get to my car and sit.  I could barely get down the stairs.  Fuck, I need to get home.  That's exactly what I said as I was sweating in my car.

I pulled onto the main road and literally within a couple blocks couldn't see, it appeared that the windows were fogging and bright light was coming in, but that was simply my perception.  I prayed like a maniac to be safe and pulled over. 

Then I continued on because I needed a desperate potty break (those damn stool softeners kicked in at the wrong time).   I really don't know how I got home but I did and it scared the shit out of me (literally and emotionally).  As I got out of the car I felt like I was drunk, nauseous, weaving, had throbbing sensations going up and down my arms after I hit the "library" I sat down drank some water and took one of the little blue pills Dr. Kaplan had prescribed.  Some how within 30 minutes I felt OK, but all day I've had this weird I'm a little off feeling all day.  And yes, I will report this to the doctor on Monday when I go back in, unless it happens again.

So no, know I don't feel guilty at all for making this weekend all about me and laughing - chemo - schemo.  I'm thankful one treatment is completed and only three more to go before radiation. 

Michele Corey, writing for Knee Deep Blog A dose on insight and a little crap from your not always average home based business and Internet mom and Money Wise Women: A Blog for Women that are ready to get their financial house in order

And of course I can't leave out the business:  Advanced Approach

PS. Now you can find me simply by typing in http://www.kneedeepblog.com

Financially

If you want to financially help us with out of pocket medical - I say thank you in advance because due to some other circumstances during the past year and a half this wasn't some thing we financially ready for and are open to help whether it be $10 which we say thank you or let me totally get out of my comfort zone $1000. (And believe me that it took a lot of courage on my side to drop my fears and ego and ask). 

Money (cash or visa) can be sent through a secure system - PalPay.   You can contribute either anonymously or not.  Offerings may be sent to michelec (at) unleashthemagic.com - obviously write it like an email address or click on the Donate button below.

I am also committed to either - taking this off once we know we are covered and / or leaving it up and contributing to others that have cancer and need help - once we get there I will ask you.

Comments

[karen vasquez]

hi good to read your post - i get my first chemo tx this monday and im a bit obsessed with the thought of what to expect and "will i make it through" - BIG BABY syndrome - but like you said its a control thing and aint nothing worst than notcontrolling ur physical normalcy and mental stuff - both are leterally challenged beyond any experience ive ever had in my 51 years of living - and at MY DECISION....MY Choice....or should i slip into denial about the stats we talked about - i must take the brave path out of here - my port hearts as we talk about this and i hope my heart is straong at its 69% MUGA readingknowing ive had irregular heartbeats at times.......it ALL boils down to god - Jesus my life Lord and savior - if my path is to be here and live, I will.........Im banking on that as I realize Ive been taking life for granted and not living correctly.....wondering have I been punished or was this a call to envelope and embrace what i once wasnt sure about going on for another 50 years with.......i want it , LIFE, i want i......i am clear. Please I need support and id like to be a part of this group. Embrace me and i shall embrace you - and when everyones hair grows back i am an AMAZING HAIRCOLORIST and i am offering FREE service to all chemo survivors when they have their virgin hair back - i live in PA and have a salon - now THATS something to look forward to - save yourself $100-120. Just lmk and e mail- god bless us all on this courageous path we must step and build muscles on....I love you all this thing has connected me to WOMEN in a way i have never known....

[Michele]

Linda, I really appreciate your comments - keeping doing so it helps me feel connected.

and I finally got it...for me it feels like Breast Cancer is 70% emotional anxiety and 30% physical reality. By letting go of needing to control and simply acknowledging and participating (which means asking for what I want too) I am emotionally and spiritually pretty free and growing as a person!

There is no right or wrong way to connect on a blog...just showing up is great.

Thank you for showing up and being 100% you.

Warm Regards, Michele

[Linda Resca]

Michelle ~

It's Linda again. I just re-read my post & worried that it might sound gruesome to you (especially the end).

The truth is, I am VERY new @ posting in blogs (this is the 2nd time, ever, I have done this) & feel a bit awkward .... awkward because I am not totally clear & comfortable about "how to" post in blogs AND because I want to support you & sometimes I stumble while figuring out how to express my heart in an open honest way !

SO - here is what I really wanted to say: cancer sucks, the physical, emotional & spiritual pain is very hard to be with & @ the same time provides the most incredible ingredients for healing (vs. curing) that I have ever experienced !

I hope that your pain, in all areas, is kept @ a minimum & that your heart is able to receive all of the love that is coming your way.

Linda

[Linda Resca]

Hi Michelle ~

While reading the descriptions of your interactions with the doctors I am inspired to take a trip down memory lane.

During my 1st encounter w/cancer I had to "fire" one of my docs & during my second experience w/cancer I "fired" yet another doc ! I also had some doctors that were exquisite & a perfect match for me.

My heart & thoughts go to you as you travel through chemo. Although I never had chemo I've had 5 surgeries & all too well know the terrain of physical upsets, pain, agony ...

Peace,

Linda

[Cathy from China]

Michele - what an account! The way you write makes what could be a big drama into a very interesting, entertaining story. I laughed, I cried, I shared it with John.. I'm so proud of your excellent life and writing.

[Kathy M.]

That girl who's kicking cancer's ass? That's my BFF, Michelie. Yep, she's just THE most awesome, incredible, unstoppable, goofy -- and did I mention ASS-KICKIN' -- woman on the planet.

That "odd" feeling you had with the weird lights, throbbing arms and wooziness? That was cancer, packing up and getting the hell outta your boob.

I'm coming home tomorrow, girlfriend -- let's do coffee ASAP.