If you're just catching up with me you'll want to start here to learn about my discovery of lumpiness behaving badly which is also known as breast cancer to the every day person, as well as why I am writing about my journey of breast cancer and for the time being a breast cancer blog.
My prior post is here. My next post is here.
It's always good to start with a bit of humor and perhaps truth. Post surgery all I wanted to do was vomit and found myself wanting to clutch, pet, and keep near my little bag just in case. Yes, that's what it is, a just in case bag.
At my request I was given an additional med (a suppository to over share) - nausea medicine to combat my continual queasiness. So it's really hard to tell, what was worse in my initial recovery pain or nausea. And it seemed like the damn stuff just wouldn't kick in.
I also took some homeopathic stuff for the nausea, but it wasn't until girlfriend Lori came to the rescue with Cheeto's that I actually felt better.
I have a history with Cheeto's. Besides all of the healthy and organic food I consume I'm a closet Cheeto's eater - we all have our vices. Although I never buy and keep Cheeto's in my house, they, along with a bunch of great friends, have been a constant companion on many road trips and day hikes. They have just the right amount of salt (a shit load) that after climbing a few thousand feet help balance a body, and help with road trip motion sickness. Really it does work.
Of course I didn't add them to my recovery list, but I was willing to try any thing and they did help - or perhaps it was that suppository finally kicking in. No one will ever really know, but it feels liberating to claim, in a single study of one, Cheeto's cures nausea in breast cancer patient.
As you've heard from my trusty blogging friend and post surgery buddy, the breast cancer surgery went really well. As soon as I was conscious the first thing I asked was, "did you have to go back in?" and "how many nodes did you take out?" I heard the answers and passed back out in relief - they got every thing with clean margins the first time in and only 3 nodes.
The next thing I remember was hearing, elevate her arm and get some hot compresses. It appears that the IV wasn't quite right and the IV backed up in my now elephant sized arm. I remember looking at my forearm and fingers and trying to focus thinking, wow that looks really weird.
It wasn't until post surgery that I realized that maybe the IV wasn't right. When the nurse put it in it really hurt unlike some of the other IV's I've had (yes me the needle expert). And about 15 minutes after the IV was in the nurse went to adjust the drip and told me to open my hand. When I did there was a pool of blood in my palm. I looked at Tim and said, "it's Jesus I've been marked. It's a stigmata." Tim laughed, the nurse was at first horrified (at the pool of blood or perhaps my comment) but then laughed and said, "that was a fast one and we haven't even given you any of the juice yet."
My next thought post surgery was to hit the "play" on the CD Walkman to listen to the CD the hypnotherapist gave me to help with surgery. At this point I don't know if they actually played it during surgery, but I was sure I wanted to hear it. I closed my eyes and drifted in and out of consciousness. The CD seemed to be about 10 minutes long, although it was really an hour. The nurses kept poking me and asked if I wanted to move to the chair (amazingly breast cancer surgery is day surgery). I kept saying I wasn't ready, because really I wasn't, I just wanted to lay there a few more minutes.
It wasn't until I started to ball that they thought some thing was wrong. "Are you in pain?" was the first question. No, I wasn't in pain. "Is some thing wrong?" "No, nothing is wrong I just want to cry right now, I"m having a good cry." It felt as if my body was releasing all of the pent up anxiety over the surgery and knowing it was now over. As well as knowing I am officially in the next stage - breast cancer treatment and I wanted to cry, so I did, and when I was done I felt complete.
By then they had wheeled me into a recovery space, drew the curtains and left me. Now that I was done crying I wanted Tim and I wanted to get in the chair, but no one came. I didn't see a call button I could reach so I had to scoot down on my bed and use my foot to move the curtain over, but no one noticed. I swear that at least three times I thought I was locking eyes with someone and saying "I'm ready now" and they would turn off and go into a another room.
Finally I was noticed and the nurse went to get Tim who had just left, so she brought in two of my ya ya girlfriends Kathy and Kimm. Thankfully they helped me negotiate crackers, juice, getting my clothes on and taking my pain meds which induced the immediate nausea. I swear that within ten minutes of being in the chair the hospital was ready for me to leave.
One of the things I love is that I was also given directions in my drugged up waves of nausea post surgery state - don't have your blood pressure taken, ever on your left arm. Don't give blood from your left arm. Don't take an IV in your left arm. Forever. It could create (the dreaded) lymphodema. Those directions did not come written on any thing by the way.
After a couple of mishaps in the elevator, Kathy called to say she was on floor two, but when we got in the elevator the choices were 1, 3, 4, 5, 6. After being wheeled in and out of two floors they wheeled me back to recovery, left me by the recovery elevator banks and waited for my friend to find me. She kept saying how every one got confused. I wonder if they have ever thought about better signage or perhaps printed directions. I know I would have appreciated them.
The weekend is a bit of a blur and I'm OK with that. By the 3rd day of recovery I was ready to have my brain work again so I opted out of the heavier drugs and switched to Tylenol. Although my left arm where they took the nodes out still really hurt I felt that some pain over screwed up thinking, the lack of ability to have my eyes focus on words in a book or even the TV.
Tuesday I had my drain removed. Yahoo, it was great not to have to pump it out or constantly feel it when I sat or laid down. Eli thought it was "really cool to see my blood." Of course it wasn't blood but other stuff, but that was too hard to explain. He even helped pour it off and measure it. The only thing he didn't like and had some fear over was the bandages and tapes. Drain good, bandages scary.
It wasn't until Wednesday, (6 days post surgery) that I felt like myself was back. Kathy who power walked with me the day out of surgery probably thinks other wise, but I know that walking and exercise are such a natural part of my rhythm that it felt great. Of course 11 days post surgery there is nothing I'd like better than to do yoga, but my body is telling me otherwise. Walking is OK. Movement, strength, and stretching are not.
Wednesday night I was looking forward to having Thursday and Friday to lounge around and read, but Eli had other plans. He got sick and remained sick throughout the weekend. His favorite thing was to hang on me or sit on my lap. Unfortunately he wasn't sick enough to be in bed all day (although he did sleep in until 9 and went to bed at 7) but too sick for school and friends! By the end of the weekend I was feeling stir crazy from having a cranky 4 year old hanging on me and saying "mommy I need you" ever other word, even when Tim was 2 feet away and I was in the other room. But, that is part of being a mom and being adored.
Today I came back into my office for the first time. I hadn't listened to any messages on my work phone since January 29th - and today is February 11th. Surgery was Feb 1, but I was sick the two days before surgery and in bed in a some what comatose state on Wednesday and moving but feeling shitty on Thursday, but I was clear that I would be well enough to have the surgery - after all I had a lot of people praying for me and I really didn't want to reschedule. My office voice mail was really full (my cell was full) and it will probably be at least a week or two before I get back to every one. Part of the issue was that I didn't want to delete any messages while I was taking the heavier drugs because my mind wasn't working so well.
My email decided to go wacky and I can't send any email out, hopefully I can figure that out tomorrow. I also couldn't fax or scan anything today and had to remove and reload adobe as well. Let's call it a very technically challenged day! On top of this I've also needed to change my mouse from the left to the right hand because my left side has an annoying ache. I guess in the bigger picture it was the universe saying, stay slowed down and to honor that.
Yeah, back to the achy arm. Many of you will get this analogy. Ever ride on a plane and feel really tired and all you want to do is sleep, but behind you is a small child relentlessly kicking your chair and talking in a loud voice? Each time they kick or speak you feel more annoyed and finally you turn around and in your most possible polite voice ask them to stop and then look at their parent and ask them to have their child stop. Having a small child I know this is pretty much impossible as much as the parent tries and now one more person is stressed while the child is confused. And with each new kick you can hardly control yourself, yet in the big picture it's really not that big of a deal, but you're just not in that space - yet. My arm is like that, annoying all the time with occasional piercing pain.
Today the oncologist said that it takes months and up to two years for all of the nerves to heal. Great.
I'll put a separate post on the oncologist appointment I had late today. Dr Kaplan gave me my next steps and I have to admit I was a bit bummed especially since Dr Clarfeld said he didn't see any red flags (from the surgery pathology report) and it looked pretty good. Tim looked surprised by my response to which I answered, I was trying to be positive and I'm disappointed.
We are meeting with Dr Kaplan again on Friday and with a social worker at Swedish Cancer Clinic.
Tim to get off the computer and give my achy, breaky arm a rest.
Oh, I almost forgot, THANK YOU for all of your support, your prayers, the prayer circles, the calls, the cards, the emails, the Live Strong Notebook (thanks Tom), the amazing meals that showed up at our door steps (both the planned ones and the just because ones). I have loved not cooking for a week and I know Tim loved not having to cook too. I really couldn't do this with out all of you! Your enouragment helps in more ways then you know.
Regards, Michele
Michele Corey, writing for Knee Deep Blog A dose on insight and a little crap from your not always average home based business and Internet mom and Money Wise Women: A Blog for Women that are ready to get their financial house in order
And of course I can't leave out the business: Advanced Approach
PS. Now you can find me simply by typing in http://www.kneedeepblog.com
Financially
If you want to financially help us with out of pocket medical - I say thank you in advance because due to some other circumstances during the past year and a half this wasn't some thing we financially ready for and are open to help whether it be $10 which we say thank you or let me totally get out of my comfort zone $1000. (And believe me that it took a lot of courage on my side to drop my fears and ego and ask).
Money (cash or visa) can be sent through a secure system - PalPay. You can contribute either anonymously or not. Offerings may be sent to michelec (at) unleashthemagic.com - obviously write it like an email address.
I am also committed to either - taking this off once we know we are covered and / or leaving it up and contributing to others that have cancer and need help - once we get there I will ask you.
Hi,
You have been through so much physical and mental agony and still have a sense of humor--you are amazing! I'm so glad that the test results from the surgery look good and that you are starting to feel better.
Posted by: x-ray fluorescence | March 03, 2009 at 10:45 PM
HI Michele,
You've been in my thoughts a lot these past two weeks. I'm glad the tests came out good. And it sounds like the surgeons were happy with their own results. My sister-in-law found out she had breast cancer when she was two months pregnant.... But now it is one year later, and mother and baby are doing great! So I'm wishing you the same happy story. I know, though, that there is still a lot of story to write!
Best wishes,
Mikelann Valterra
Posted by: Mikelann Valterra | February 13, 2008 at 03:38 PM
Hi Michele: What an ordeal--you poor thing. You have been through so much physical and mental agony and still have a sense of humor--you are amazing! I'm so glad that the test results from the surgery look good and that you are starting to feel better. All our love, support and prayers are with you as you continue with treatment. Hope Eli is feeling better. Love, Cathy Cook
Posted by: Cathy Cook | February 13, 2008 at 11:46 AM
Cheetos, hmm... must stand up, get in car, go buy Cheetos, eat Cheetos, must stand up, get in car, go buy Cheetos, eat Cheetos..(oh no, the voices have started up again).
Posted by: Cathy Farrar | February 13, 2008 at 09:31 AM