I just read a post called Costanza Success Principles, as in George Costanza from the Seinfeld Series that touched many of us during the 90's. The title intrigued me - a good sign for me and as I read on I found one of my absolute favorite quotes by Rollo May.
"The opposite of courage in our society is not cowardice…it is conformity."
This quote repeatedly showed us during a difficult and changing time of my life. I had become really dissatisfied with my work. I had been in the consumer products industry for just about 10 years, and although I did really well in my national sales management job, at some point dissatisfaction began leaking in. The dissatisfaction for me was around lack of fulfillment, lack of both feeling valued and providing value to the greater good, lack of being part of some thing that was bigger than myself - all of this fit into what we often hear people say "I want to make a difference." I was absolutely lacking in that area.
At this time I also had decided to go back to school and pursue my masters in management. Thankfully the school I choose, Antioch University in Seattle, focused on experiential learning - you know the kind of touchy, feely, reflective stuff. At that point in my life it was really difficult to swallow as I was used to the strict intellect of how business works and I did that really well. So I specifically choose Antioch to push my buttons and reconnect me to my emotional self and more importantly my heart which was feeling quite disconnected.
Towards the end of my first year of grad school two things happened that both pushed me to be more courageous - of course they showed up as being pissed offed, but in retrospect I realized I needed to feel what I felt to move into action and act with courage.
The First Defining Moment:
I stood on a desk and yelled during a national sales meeting. Now those that knew me well knew that I was much more politically correct then that...but I literally was pushed to the edge. My graduate classes were Friday through Sunday once per month. On one specfic week, we had a company wide marketing meeting in Chattanooga (I was coming from Seattle). I looked at the agenda and realized that I was only needed for 1.5 hours of this meeting and also realized it was on a Friday, on one of the weekends of grad school. I was hoping to physically get out of the meeting and attend via the phone.
To make my case with my manager I
- calculated that it would take close to 20 hours of travel, because Chattanooga isn't that easy to get to from Seattle (and I done it enough to know I wasn't making that up)
- Since it wasn't easy to get to, it also wasn't easy to get home, so I wouldn't be able to leave until Saturday morning (and I would miss most of the school weekend)
- Saw that my ticket was just over $1100, plus there would be a hotel for both the night before and the night after
- Confirmed that I really only needed to be there for 1.5 hours - since I sold to Costco - I not only focused on national sales; I also created most of the product in collaboration with the account and my company's headquarters, so national marketing meetings really didn't apply since they focused on grocery and other areas. The 1.5 hour meeting would have been with 5 of my peers to discuss the "big box retailers," so I asked if we could use technology and conference me in on this occasion - due to both cost, timing and the fact grad school (which they were paying for was on that weekend) - and I'd really not be missing any thing because I would conference in, as well as if any thing else came up I would be available by phone
- I also spoke with one of my peers and asked if he bring me up to speed on any thing that seemed important
This is when I realized it was really only about control because my manager answered me by saying it sounded like I had a personal problem and it was expected I would be there "with bells on." What the hell does that mean? Any way, back to having courage not to conform.
I did go to the meeting, which by the way, from my opinion many years later was a waste of my time and money other than I was so pissed off (my bells weren't on) that at one point in the meeting my manager and I got into it over support we needed in the sales field and I literally got up, got on the table and began yelling. Yes, I must admit I lacked self control, and it not only felt good in that minute, but for months after wards.
I also realized in that moment that I would not and could not subject myself to the idiotic rules that often made both poor business sense and poor people development sense. But deep inside I was scared as shit. My whole life I had grown up believing you get a job, you work hard, you get rewarded (yeah can you tell I'm the end of the baby boomer generation? - plus I both felt I had been greatly rewarded in my career to date, and my dad was a first generation polish American that stayed in the same job he didn't even really like because he got a pension kept drilling in my head - make the best of it, work hard, be loyal, etc.)
The Second Defining Moment:
Somehow the next month I got to be the case study for best business practices in grad school - of course I was still so lit up about the trip and all of the other things that were going on in my work that I painted a horrible case in which two people cried, and quite a few others told me they were glad they weren't me.
Yeah, that's right I want your high paying job where they strip away your dignity, treat you like a piece of crap and expect you to continue to be loyal and build sales.
Towards the end of my case study someone, like the naive but wise Cindy Loo Hoo from The Grinch Who Stole Christmas said, so what are you going to do about it?
What, wait, I'm wallowing, I'm pontificating, I'm, I'm, I'm....shit...I remember taking a deep breath and stating, I'm going to give it six months. In that time I'm going to do my best to change my attitude, my relationships there, and if necessary the scope of my work.
What Happened Next:
Well, I recognized I had a lot of fear. During those six months, time continued to count down and I became more and more nervous and excited. Was I really willing to change my attitude? Would I have the courage to walk my talk? What would I do if it didn't change? What if it didn't change and I didn't take action?
That’s when I really understood what Rollo May's inspirational quote meant - that when I choose not to take action (out of fear) I was really conforming to what others deemed “right” and “important” but it wasn’t what was best for me or in alignment with my purpose and values.
I got clear on my core values. I got clear that I had no choice but to take action or forever know that I was a coward and I didn't walk my talk - I didn't stand up for my self and what I believe.
All this thought and conversation created a desire for me to stand in my own integrity and I quit my job not knowing what was next rather, realizing what ever was next was better than giving away my personal power every day to work that didn’t fulfill me or serve a greater good.
I left the industry and after painfully stumbling around for about a year, began what is now my current career that is fulfilling and does make a difference for the greater good. I also get to live a life of choice, for me it is one in which I choose to act on my values and intentions every day. And yes I'll admit, some times the wallowing and all about me do creep back in, but now I look at it as a way to help me recognize that life isn't one plateau of happiness rather it is contantly changing and has peaks and valleys (which I affect).
I'm grateful for my past manager that pushed me just enough to get me to look deeper and wider at myself - and very grateful I don't work for him.
Finally, I'm grateful for Robert Phillips blog post this morning that re-opened my eyes, heart and re-connected me to my deepest self.
I hope that you do take the time to reflect on the deep and meaningful quote, "The opposite of courage in our society is not cowardice…it is conformity." and decide to get clear on what courage means to you.
Have a good one,
Michele Corey, writing for Knee Deep Blog A dose on insight and a little crap from your not always average home based business and Internet mom and Money Wise Women: A Blog for Women that are ready to get their financial house in order
And of course I can't leave out the business: Advanced Approach
PS. Now you can find me simply by typing in http://www.kneedeepblog.com
Michele,
Good stuff. Sounds like a familiar story. When I opted out of corporate America I was working out of a home office on the East coast reporting to a boss on the West coast. I had it really easy but it was still miserable professionally and I knew I could do better so I just resigned one day and moved in a much better direction. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.
Robert
Posted by: Robert Phillips | December 05, 2007 at 11:18 AM