Knee Deep Blog

Knee Deep Blog Focus - All about me and the Breast Cancer

I recognize that the focus of Knee Deep Blog has shifted, to all about me and the Breast Cancer. This is on purpose.   To get to the beginning of my journey you can click here. Each post has a link to the next one.

When I was first diagnosed, during those agonizing first 48 hours I prayed a lot and asked God a lot of questions that began with "what" such as...

End of Year Relection: What do I really believe?

If you're just catching up with me you'll want to start here to learn about my discovery of lumpiness behaving badly which is also known as breast cancer to the every day person, as well as why I am writing about my journey of breast cancer and for the time being a breast cancer blog.

My prior post is here.

Today's the last day of the year and as 2007 closes I sit here and think how different this past month has been then I originally planned.  Some say God laughs when you plan.  I'm not sure I agree with that thought - unless it's about finding the humor in the situation - then OK, I'll take a bite but that's it.  I also keep thinking about one of my not so religious or spiritual sisters saying, You're really strong, God gives you what you can handle, when I told her.  Hmmm, at the moment I wasn't quite there, and that thought has been sitting with me like a big fat lady hanging out on my shoulder weighing me down.

What I'm clear is that this past week (since I was told I have breast cancer) has me thinking about what I really do believe and what am I asking for in this time of my life.  I'm still sitting with it so to speak, and know It's about looking at both my spoken and more importantly my unspoken life truths. 

Yep, being told you have cancer can have many affects like -

Making Sense of Biopsy Results and Taking Next Steps

If you're just catching up with me you'll want to start here to learn about my discovery of lumpiness behaving badly which is also known as breast cancer to the every day person, as well as why I am writing about my journey of breast cancer and for the time being a breast cancer blog.

My prior post is here.

Last night I spent some time on the Googled Boob looking at resources Kathy and others put into place, and following the links found my self learning more details about what happens next with breast cancer ( some of which really grossed me out ) and being attracted to the support forums. 

It was the first time I actually got onto the support forums for women that have breast cancer.  I'm glad I waited a bit because it was really very difficult to be there and I found myself both crying and wanting to get off yet not able to tear myself away.  (Note to self:  don't do this again before bed!) 

I spent time on the very busy Susan Koman Breast Cancer Forum and Y-Me Breast Cancer Forum which is a lot smaller and has it's own connecting feeling.

One thing that I found both helpful and that also had me feeling like throwing up (my own anxiety of what will my stats be) was that each person has their breast cancer stats listed under their name.  It was amazing how many people have had many, and I mean many rounds of chemo and radiation and both looking for support as well as giving heart and soul to new comers such as myself.  This is a gift.

Tis the Day after Christmas and Still I Wait

If you're just catching up with me you'll want to start here to learn about my discovery of lumpiness behaving badly which is also known as breast cancer to the every day person, as well as why I am writing about my journey of breast cancer and for the time being a breast cancer blog.

My prior post is here.

So tis the day after Christmas and still I wait...wait to know more, wait so I can figure out what's next, wait so I can answer my own questions as well as those of my well wishing family and friends...it's known as waiting hell.  So this is what happens when you discover you have cancer and it's the holidays, every one you want to speak with is on vacation and those that are left behind to answer the frantic or perhaps impatient calls like mine are unavailable "so please leave a message."

Interestingly even though at first it felt like anxiety, it certainly wasn't the same type of anxiety of "do I" or "don't I" have breast cancer; instead it's like being suspended in a time capsule.  Now that the initial shock is over and my feet have landed back on the ground and my brain is beginning to work again I'm ready to find out more.

Today I took the only other steps I could think of, leave another message to hear back on results from the biopsy (now a week ago),  fax my urgent request for my pathology report (truthfully I don't really even know what they will send, but I do remember in my initial state of shock of learning that I did have breasking cancer and having a friend  who went on the Susan Kolman support forum tell me that one of the things every one recommends is to get a copy of your pathology report) so I wrote and faxed my request and copied my primary care physician.  Finally I set up my MRI for tomorrow.

Lumpiness Behaving Very, Very Badly - Breast Cancer

If you're just catching up with me you'll want to start here to learn about my discovery of lumpiness behaving badly which is also known as breast cancer to the every day person, as well as why I am writing about my journey of breast cancer and for the time being a breast cancer blog.

My lumpiness needs more than a time out in the time out charge, because it has behaved, very, very badly - I was diagnosed with breast cancer on Thursday, just 24 hours after the biopsy so one anxiety has been released - I now know - and it has been replace with another one - I have cancer.

I have to admit that the first 48 hours have been a blur, now as I enter the 72nd hour my brain has returned and my feet have landed back on the ground. 

I know had an out of body experience when Tim and I were sitting in my doctor's office.  I felt like I was watching a movie as soon as I heard the words,

"Michele I'm sorry to tell you, you  have breast cancer then I heard blah, blah, blah, blah I've created some fact sheets because I don't think you'll hear very much today.

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah that's all we know for now.

I'm so glad you brought Tim with you, it will be good to bring some one with you each time.

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah you will need to be an advocate."

Tim sobbed, I sobbed more each time I heard Tim cry...talk about an emotional party, and it wasn't even I party I wanted to attend.

We spent 1.5 hours in her office and truthfully I can only account for about 20 minutes.  Afterward we pulled the car down a block into a church parking lot so we could get our heads around what was said and get ready to pick Eli up from my mom's house by 6 pm.

Lumpiness Behaving Badly - A Biopsy for My Birthday

If you're just catching up with me you'll want to start here to learn about my discovery of breast cancer, as well as why I am writing about my journey of breast cancer and for the time being a breast cancer blog.

Yesterday was my birthday and I spent part of it at the spa relaxing, getting a biopsy at 9 am for my lump and lumpiness that is behaving badly.  I was told that I would hear on Friday, and I just got a call from my doctor that she has the results and can see me this afternoon - which means 24 hour turn around.  My mind is racing and asking, is that a good thing or not? 

So this whole damn process has been filled with anxiety of knowing nothing yet feeling like every one else does.  And I had to admit that since I went to my doctor exactly two weeks ago to show her my lump I've felt like I want to throw up.  As I sit here knowing that soon I will know, I know the anxiety and queasiness is from not knowing which reaffirms I am a concrete kind of gal.

With knowing I can be with the results and what would be even better is that I like the results. Of course the results I initially wanted to hear was it's a cyst, but that hasn't happened. 

One week ago I had the mammogram, then they said let's have a ultra sound (kind of in the same tone as my girlfriends say, hey you want another glass of wine?) and I was told they wanted me to stay longer so the radiologist could come in. 

Focusing on What Matters and Taking Action

Be Courageous and Take Action

I just finished writing my last post of being courageous and in action when the phone rang.  It was a friend of mine that started the call with, I'm so damn lucky and I want to help.  She asked if I would like to donate to help local flood victims in Centralia, WA.

Now, she's not part of any organization, and hasn't been asked, rather, she recognizes the importance of helping others in need and taking action - she's grass roots.

Because helping others is also important to me I immediately sent an email to a large group of people in my neighborhood  (more grass roots and viral marketing at its best) and some close friends letting them know what is happening and if they want to help, bring it to my house and I'll coordinate a second drop off. 

Rollo May Quotes That Dig Deep And Are Meaningful

I just read a post called Costanza Success Principles, as in George Costanza from the Seinfeld Series that touched many of us during the 90's.  The title intrigued me - a good sign for me and as I read on I found one of my absolute favorite quotes by Rollo May.

"The opposite of courage in our society is not cowardice…it is conformity."

This quote repeatedly showed us during a difficult and changing time of my life.  I had become really dissatisfied with my work.  I had been in the consumer products industry for just about 10 years, and although I did really well in my national sales management job, at some point dissatisfaction began leaking in.  The dissatisfaction for me was around lack of fulfillment, lack of both feeling valued and providing value to the greater good, lack of being part of some thing that was bigger than myself - all of this fit into what we often hear people say "I want to make a difference." I was absolutely lacking in that area.