Death...is there really any thing you can say that feels just right and appropriate in that moment? A good friend from my master's program 2000 cohort just sent an email sharing his wife's death due to a ruptured brain aneurysm. They are in their early 50's, have an incredible relationship, and are individually and together amazing people.
I want to yell out people in their prime and young kids aren't suppose to die, but they do.
Each time I experience a death it brings me back to my father's death four years ago and reopens that sea of emotion and my journey to finding peace. Maybe it's just my age, once you hit your 40's, death happens more frequently around you. Although life, death and dying are part of our lives, what seems so unfair has been the unexpectedness of each death - and how that rocks one's core.
My father was in his mid 70's and had numerous body parts taken out for a variety of types of cancer, the joke was always about him being hallow inside or just trying to lose weight. Although he had been diagnosed with terminal cancer in the fall and give just a few months to live - which coincided with me finding out I was pregnant - he didn't die until the following Labor day weekend which was almost a year later.
What was unexpected is that he didn't die of cancer as was predetermined. He either died of a stroke or some type of aneurysm. Since he was terminally ill they wouldn't and didn't do an autopsy.
I had many conversations with my dad, and clearly remember him stating - sounds like you have a problem with my death, I am going to die, but I'm going to put up a fight and give it all I got - I've got to, that's what keeps me going. I intend on living independently and eating my doughnuts and coffee until I go - none of this rabbit food stuff - I want to enjoy my time and life the way I like it. That's when I got clear death is imminent and is about letting go and I couldn't and would not control any one but myself ever again.
But I wasn't ready when he died. We didn't have the last few weeks or days to prepare as we thought we would. We simply received a phone call from my brother in law telling us that he found dad in the driveway. Although I was at complete peace and absolutely loved my dad I didn't get to say goodbye the way I wanted to and I'll always remember my last phone call to him in which I conferenced in my brother and didn't stay on very long because I had a book deadline that I wanted to finish that was ironically due Tuesday after labor day. That's when I had intended on calling him back. I never had the chance. Interesting the book project imploded and never became a reality.
Those actions are forever imprinted in my mind, soul, and heart and have changed who I am in my core.
Each day in my marriage, in my relationship with my son, in relationship with family and friends I focus on being present. If I'm not fully available I don't call people back until I am. With Eli and Tim we have rituals that bond us. Tim and I don't go to bed mad. We our committed to making our relationship easy - and when the bumps show up as they will, we focus on our commitment to ease. Every day I both tell and do my best to actively show each of them I love them.
My work which once was my main focus, is still very important to me, but it takes second fiddle. If my choice is to play a game with Eli or finish a project I pick the game every time and either shift the project deadline if possible or work with others to create a mutual result. The work will always be there in some shape or form. And, if the work goes away due to my focus of values, then it's not the right work for me and although it may feel painful at times, I let it go and allow the space for the right work and people to show up. Amazingly they do.
As I think about my friend, the freshness of pain in his life at this very moment, I know there is nothing I can do to change what is true in this moment. I know there are not the perfect words, rather I can send my prayer, love and remembrance. I know that with her death their love and relationship is still there - it has taken on a new look that is currently uncomfortable and unknown. I do know I can be available and not be attached to whether or not any thing happens with that availability.
So in death, I know that what is most important to me is to dig into what matter most, not just today, but every day and be grateful for what shows up in my life - after all, some how the life I live every day is the life I've called to me by my choices, actions and words.
Here's remembering what is important and more importantly acting upon it today.
Michele Corey, writing for Knee Deep Blog A dose on insight and a little crap from your not always average home based business and Internet mom and Money Wise Women: A Blog for Women that are ready to get their financial house in order
PS. Now you can find me simply by typing in http://www.kneedeepblog.com
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