Knee Deep Blog

Knee Deep Blog Focus - All about me and the Breast Cancer

I recognize that the focus of Knee Deep Blog has shifted, to all about me and the Breast Cancer. This is on purpose.   To get to the beginning of my journey you can click here. Each post has a link to the next one.

When I was first diagnosed, during those agonizing first 48 hours I prayed a lot and asked God a lot of questions that began with "what" such as...

Radiation: 20 of 33 Completed

Radiation has both been going amazingly fast with 20 sessions completed as of yesterday and agonizingly repetitive.  I continue to feel like I'm living in a world of deja vue each time I park in the eleven car radiation designated spaces and walk into the hospital doors.

Monday through Friday I have the same schedule.  Interestingly my good be on time behavior lasted for the first couple of weeks and on week three I've been a bit more lackadaisical and often late.  I keep thinking that yes, on a good day it takes 13 minutes to get to the parking lot once I'm in my car and therefore I don't need to give more then 20 minutes of commute time.  But, Seattle city traffic is often congested, not to mention all of the construction happening on Madison where Swedish Hospital is located. So my drive time is taking 13 to 35 minutes one way.

I've was complaining, actually, feeling rushed and anxious that I was now late AGAIN and recognizing that I am no longer the model breast cancer patient in treatment.  Oh, I've fallen off the wagon.  Then yesterday as I was scanning the cast of characters in the radiation waiting room I began a conversation with one that I've seen a few times and has the most gracious sense of being.

Breast Cancer Baldness and Emotional Connection

I just posted a new banner for this blog that includes some pictures of my big bald from two angles. Had you asked if I would do this back when my hair was first falling out I would have said, nope, don't think so.  I feel more comfortable hiding my chemo bald head under a hat or bandanna.

But, the but happened, I have gradually become more comfortable with my baldness and some times even feel and act bodacious (or would that be acting normal?) with my baldness both in private and in public.

How to Get Rid of Lice - A Mom's Fear

This post on our get rid of lice experience took me a few days to write...because I am full of it, also known as verbose to some and has another connotation to  a few others; and it took a while because I'm spending most of my free time cleaning, going to the hospital (for radiation), or I am in my yard getting the garden in which is my form of relaxation.  This was Eli the day we found out taking on the world.

Eli came down early one morning to ask what I am writin I read most of it to him and he wanted to add a few words of his own. So I thought I'd start with his thoughts on lice.  Below are the steps we took to banish those darn critters.

A 5 year olds verbatim perspective on lice...

Radiation: 30 More To Go

Not including today, I have 30 more post chemo radiation appointments to go and several inches of hair to grow (hopefully most of them are on my head and other other places forget to grow) before I am considered "cured" of breast cancer.  Of course 3.5 months ago post lumpectomy the surgeon considered me "cured" too.  I'm not going to say who's right because it's all a frame of mind.

Some may say I'm not officially cured until I complete 5 years of hormone therapy (Tamoxifen from what I hear) without  recurrence.  My heart tells me I was done and "cured" post surgery and the rest is the just in case one of those little microscopic buggers (also know as a cancerous cell) escaped and decided to linger undetected some whereand create havoc when Ieast expect it.

Getting going on radiation took a while because I am special, just in case you didn't know that, I am special.  I am classified as stage 1 - some letters that I can't quite remember at this moment and don't seem too important but put me on the line of being stage 2, but all of my treatments are stage two protocol - chemo and full breast / partial chest radiation. 

Growing up with Eli: His first sleepover at the house

Most of Eli's friends on the block are a year older and have all just turned six during the past month.  They are at a point in their kid lives of experiencing and enjoying sleepovers.  Eli of course wants to be just like them - you know, be a part of the bigger kids club.

To date he's had sleep overs at his cousins, but I don't really count that as a kids sleep over because it's family.  And, after my first round of chemo Kimm kept Eli at her home and created a sleep over with her ten year old son, but that also didn't quite meet the kids on the blocks standard.

On the block to have a sleep over means all day long (generally on a Saturday) you tell every one else on the block you're having a sleep over with X, you actually sleep over, you "stay up to midnight", and then the following day (generally Sunday) you pal around with your "sleep over buddy" and tell every one you "stayed up to midnight" and "today's very special and I can't play with you because I had a sleep over with X and we're playing together."  For Elias this has been hard to watch but not be apart of over the past six or so months, but he was only four.

Growing up with Eli: He Turns 5 Years Old

This past week was a big one for Eli, he turned five years old and has already had friends and family sing happy birthday three times - preschool, Spanish school and home. Eli's birthday is in the middle of the birthday frenzy on our block.  Over the past five weeks there have been a total of five other kid birthdays.  In fact there were two other parties this Saturday so his "fake birthday with friends" will be next weekend when 19  five and six year olds descend upon our home.

Any one that knows me is probably thinking, what the hell?  You've been going through your own stuff with chemo and breast cancer, why would you have so many kids over for a party?  Why not make it easy?

Well call it temporary annual insanity and forgetfulness. Or simply call it caving in to the wishes of your child to have his favorite friends over because if you don't he will be emotionally inept for the rest of this life - ha!  Truth be told if we did it Eli's way we would have about 30 or more kids over because every one is his friend...he's a plus on the extrovert friendship scale so justifying that we only invited 19 seemed reasonable at the time.

Chemo Side Effects: The Last Chemo and The Flu

If you're just catching up with me you'll want to start here to learn about my discovery of lumpiness behaving badly which is also known as breast cancer to the every day person, as well as why I am writing about my journey of breast cancer and for the time being a breast cancer blog.

My prior post is here. 

A little over a week ago I sent an email to my basecamp Project Boob Management Group letting them know that hurray it was my last chemo and I was eagerly waiting to write a follow up all about how easy it went and the great dinner I had that night with some wonderful girlfriends that I initially connected with in a mastermind group a couple years ago. 

But, yes there is a big but, the next week had other plans for me, plans to which I wasn't officially invited, rather sucked into like a big vortex.  On the eighth day I came out of this mostly horizontal and running for the bathroom vortex grateful that it's over and life goes on.

My final round of chemo was truthfully no different then the rest.  I brought the fourth girlfriend to my series of catch up with the girlfriends while your body is being pumped with drugs session at Swedish Hospital.  I've even developed a liking for this three plus hour block where it's all about me and the rest of the world doesn't exist for those precious hours. There's no work, no house stuff, no take care of a child, no be a wife or mother, no grocery shopping...it's forced sit there and be present to what ever you want.  Sure you can get up and mosey over to the "nutrition room" or snack room to the rest of the world or take a bathroom break or go any where you want to wheel your IV around, but I prefer to relax into the chemo seat and enjoy the company of a friend, peruse through a magazine or just be in silence.

Chemo Side Effects: Being Really Thankful Even When You're Bald and Sometimes Cranky

If you're just catching up with me you'll want to start here to learn about my discovery of lumpiness behaving badly which is also known as breast cancer to the every day person, as well as why I am writing about my journey of breast cancer and for the time being a breast cancer blog.

My prior post is here.  My next post is here.

One of my chemo side effects is gratitude which shows up in a variety of ways. 

I've noticed that I really want to reach out and connect with friends, and then there is the physical reality that some times kicks in.  The physical reality that I'm tired and even feeling cranky but not totally emotionally fulfilled for the day.  My introvert side loves being able to have some Michele time, and my bigger extrovert side enjoys and demands deep and meaningful connection with the outside world.

So, how does one balance wanting to reach out when your physical cancer journey has created some limitations?  Limitations of both physical and emotional energy. Limitations of time because you spend a significant portion of time going and coming from a variety of doctor visits.  Meanwhile you still have your life that includes a husband, a child, family, friends and meaningful work. 

Before cancer this "life" seemed to take 24/7, now it is shared with your cancer journey and isn't necessarily wanting to take the back seat.

Growing up with Eli: Alex Visits from NJ

 

Besides being all caught up in my own world I totally forgot to put Eli's spring break on our home calendar.  So  not only was Eli's spring break the week after my chemo it was a week that Tim was out of town so there wouldn't be any extra support on the home front.

Thankfully Cindy, a girlfriend extraordinare from New Jersey, came to the rescue and flew out with her son Alex who is 5 and 3/4 to be exact.  The three pictures really sum up the five days the boys spent together - it's all about me, me, me.

Chemo, Hair Loss & Finding Self Love: 36 Hands Of Love

If you're just catching up with me you'll want to start here to learn about my discovery of lumpiness behaving badly which is also known as breast cancer to the every day person, as well as why I am writing about my journey of breast cancer and for the time being a breast cancer blog.

My prior post is here.  My next post is here.

I decided to move this part of the post over to a new post so I could highlight the great photos I just received.

Last week I went to Eli's school to read Chem Cat by Cathy Nilon to his class of 18.  I figured it was time as he whipped off my hats when I picked him up from Kid's Club.  Thankfully there were only two kids.  One laughed and the other just stood there in shock.  I've learned that if kids have an understanding of what is going on, they think the whole cancer thing is quite interesting and baldness is very cool, but if they don't there is mixed reaction.