Knee Deep Blog

Back from Retreat and Officially a Life after Breast Cancer Gal

I'm officially starting a new category - Life After Breast Cancer, Chemo and More because it feels like it's time.

I also just got back from four days in San Diego, and might I mention it came complete with ongoing 78 degree sunny weather.  I want to mention it some more and keep luxuriating in the memory because it is 46 degrees according to my Firefox weather bar and as I look out the window the sky looks like Seattle often does this time of year - a shade of gray.  Waa Waa.

This retreat was the retreat I was suppose to go on last year, but didn't due to a bunch of reasons.  Then I rescheduled it to the spring, but when that time came around I was in the middle of chemo and not feeling like "retreat" so I re-booked it into October.  I really needed it and I do mean need, and I loved it.  While there I realized that I have shifted into a new phase of life after the first phase of breast cancer which is the discovery, surgery, chemo and radiation.   At this point it doesn't feel behind me, rather a part of my story.

I also discovered a prayer / poem I wrote which is at the bottom of this post...it feels very appropriate for this time in my life - another chapter beginning.

Is Your Glass Half Full or Half Empty? - Optimisim

I woke up earlier than normal this morning with thoughts jumping from things I have on my check list for clients, to my swollen breast that was bugging me aka lymphodema to thoughts of dementia.  Now normally I wouldn't be thinking about dementia, but I just finished reading a well written book called Still Alice by Lisa Genova and I feel thankful that when I list out the things that aren't quite right with my body and brain due to breast cancer, chemo, radiation and the journey it's nothing as compared to losing yourself due to dementia.

As Barack Obama said last night on 60 Minutes when asked about how horrible the economy is, he paused and said, "it could be worse."  In other words, although what we are experiencing is worse then what most of us have experienced in our lifetime as a 40 some thing, but it's not as bad as it was in the Great Depression.  I know that the Depression shaped my Dad's thinking and that the collective we has had it pretty damn good.

Get Out and Vote - Your Actions Make A Difference

Recently I was told that my blog is just a bit too personal and while sitting in a social networking presentation this weekend the presenter was clear to be very careful about writing personal information - well I stopped and thought about it and wondered if I'm past the tipping point...yeah, I am...and all that keeps running through my mind is I trust my voice and expression and I know that all won't agree and that's ok.  My current message is get out and vote because your vote counts. 

I've learned in this election that politics still puts me in a place of  discomfort because of what I learned as a child - but I just can't help myself in other areas and I'm a bit of an open book and friends and clients know more about me, my boob (aka breast cancer), my child's birth, my  thoughts, etc then they do about some of their own family members and close friends because this area felt more comfortable to discus.  I've stayed quiet about  politics on my blog because I was brought up learning this is one of the taboo conversation topics. 

Take Back Your Life - A System and A Book To Check Out

One of the things that is constant in my life is the amount of information that is constantly coming my way that seems to grow and often leaves me with the feeling of chaos and overwhelm.  Three weeks ago I bought a new laptop so that I could be more mobile, because it seems that as soon as Eli is in the picture the one place he doesn't want me to be is in my home office.  So he does things that many five year olds do to pester their mom and remind them that they are the center of their universe and wanting to be the center of mine - right now, did you hear me mom, right now and all the time.

My desk top has served it purpose, and even with a major overhaul of upgraded memory and a hard drive last summer I still find myself not having enough cache memory which means I spend a bunch of time waiting to take action when multiple programs are open and especially when I am on the internet and leave more then a few pages open.  This frustrates the hell out of me...imagine, you are in your total flow and your computer either freezes or tells you to close some thing so it can process your request.  Talk about letting the air out of flow, especially when what you need to close is what you are working on for your client.

Post Chemo Hair Growth -Effortless Bed Head

I know it may sound bizarre to hear this, but this past week I have consistently waken up with real bead head and it feels delicious!  It's been 4.5 months since my last chemo treatment and only in the past month-ish has my post chemo hair growth really taken off.

For those of you that have been asking, according to my free handy habitat for humanity mini ruler that came in the mail I have exactly 3/4 of an inch of hair. And soon I will post more pictures.  Of course it doesn't quite seem that long because it's rather curly.

One of the things I liked since I stopped wearing my daily chemo scarves and hats is that I can get up, get dressed and look exactly the same as I did when I went to bed.  Heck if I put the same clothes on I could be playing a part in Bill Murray's movie Ground Hog Day.

Eli's First Day of Kindergarten: Learning Which Bus To Ride

OK, we've had our first day of school, i.e., a kindergarten faux pas - getting on the bus. Well actually it wasn't about getting on the bus because that part happened.  It's just that with living in an urban area and having so many school buses driving by I put him on the wrong bus which took him to the wrong school.  Should I plead left over brain toxicity from the chemo and radiation? 

The good thing was that his friend Leo's mom decided to ride the bus with the kids which is allowed in our district so after about 45 minutes of  riding "the bus" and touring the neighborhood which wasn't our bus she was able to get the bus to take them to Thorton creek which is their school.  By the way our school is a  whopping 10 minutes away so hopefully the commute time gets better.

How did three educated parents end up putting two kindergarten students on the wrong bus? 

Can It Really Have Been Longer Than 8 Months Since We Had A Date

Can it really have been since last year that Tim and I had a real date that lasted longer then two hours together that didn't include a breast cancer related trip or dialog! Unfortunately it really has been that long since Tim and I have had that kind of play time. It almost reminds me of post childbirth when your focus on on poop and sleep and your child-less friends remind you that there is more.

One's loss is our gain...I do mean that in a good way.  Barbara and her husband were whisked away to the Canadian San Juan's which left two tickets to Boz Scaggs at the Woodland Park Zoo on Wednesday.  Amazingly, as some would say, I picked up my phone at the right time and received a great gift.  More amazing is that Tim was available, the babysitter was available and for a bonus the sun was shining in Seattle.

Where to Buy Great Cheap Eye Glasses Online

It always feels good when you score a great purchase and people notice.  Of course they must because it's my eyeglasses and there's not much else to look at other then my earrings and very short crop of hair post chemo regrowth.

A few months ago my glasses fell and Tim ran them over - bummer because a I loved them and I had invested close to $400.  Hence I kept them for quite a while including replacing the lenses last time around.  Now I was in a place of either driving without glasses or with glasses that were two prescriptions ago while I waited for my new glasses.  I did both.

7 Months Since I was Diagnosed with Breast Cancer

Last week after posting I realized the week marked seven months since I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  It's interesting that it also marked the end of radiation, the slew of follow up appointments and a bunch of tests, which by the way I have no idea what the results are, and my oncologist was very lackadaisical about when I would know.

He thought that since I felt good results would be good.  That's nice. arghh.  And like any one else who's life is marked with cancer you really want to put that check in the box that states...you are clear. 

I was also amused at a comment by the same oncologist that stated he's be glad he wouldn't be seeing me so much in the future, only every 3 months once we review the results.  The amusement came because I've really hardly seen him.  My last appointment was prior to radiation, so it was two months ago.  And other then the literally 5 to 10 minute check in to review my pre-chemo blood results we've had no contact.  All my contact has been with nurses to "note" my chemo and post chemo reactions. 

34 Breast Radiation Sessions Complete - I'm Out Of There

Today is the final day. I've completed 34 radiations sessions and I'm out of there until tomorrow when a round of catch up and next steps appointments begin.  One appointment Thursday, three Friday and one next Tuesday, because a gal during cancer treatment can't seem to get enough hospital and doctor visits in.

Truthfully I feel both relieved and anxious to have this part of treatment completed.  I'll be glad not to have to drive to the hospital every day it definitely put a crimp in my lifestyle and attitude. 

A little over a week ago they changed my radiation protocol from 33 sessions to 26 and added an additional 8 sessions of the ABC radiation for a total of 34.  In simpler terms, ABC equals higher does on a smaller and more surface area in which I had my nose plugged and filled my lungs with air and had the air flow cut off during the radiation zaps.  Filling your lungs lifts your chest away from your heart and is suppose to provide protection.

Radiation: 20 of 33 Completed

Radiation has both been going amazingly fast with 20 sessions completed as of yesterday and agonizingly repetitive.  I continue to feel like I'm living in a world of deja vue each time I park in the eleven car radiation designated spaces and walk into the hospital doors.

Monday through Friday I have the same schedule.  Interestingly my good be on time behavior lasted for the first couple of weeks and on week three I've been a bit more lackadaisical and often late.  I keep thinking that yes, on a good day it takes 13 minutes to get to the parking lot once I'm in my car and therefore I don't need to give more then 20 minutes of commute time.  But, Seattle city traffic is often congested, not to mention all of the construction happening on Madison where Swedish Hospital is located. So my drive time is taking 13 to 35 minutes one way.

I've was complaining, actually, feeling rushed and anxious that I was now late AGAIN and recognizing that I am no longer the model breast cancer patient in treatment.  Oh, I've fallen off the wagon.  Then yesterday as I was scanning the cast of characters in the radiation waiting room I began a conversation with one that I've seen a few times and has the most gracious sense of being.